For this week’s activity, professor Zucman requested that we edit our fellow classmates most recent ‘artist conversation’ blog post. By pure luck of the draw, I am assigned the duty to edit Matt Carder’s blog post. After reading Matt’s latest post, this will not be an easy assignment, as Matt appears to have great writing skills.
Before dwelling into this assignment, here is the link to Matt’s post, which I will edit. https://mattcarder.wordpress.com/2015/10/15/wk8-artist-conversation-rhiannon-aarons/
Text from Matt’s blog will be in italics.
3 technical errors that I found:
1. I think that with her interesting, weird work Rhiannon attracted a lot of viewers, which is what she was trying to do. This sentence is missing a comma after “weird work” because without a comma, “weird work” is being directly applied to Rhiannon. Furthermore, the phrase “I think that” is unnecessary because it is already known that whatever you are writing, are your ideas (unless stated otherwise). This sentence would read better as follows– “With her weird and interesting work, Rhiannon attracted a lot of viewers, which was her intent.”
2. These digital print drawings that she made, represent how the female body is represented as demonic. The error in this sentence is the use of a comma after the word “made” which is not needed.
3. How the writers and the illustrators, depict the female body with the lines they use are representing women as these demonic creatures. This sentence is at error through the placement of a comma after the word “illustrators” which interrupts the flow of the sentence. Furthermore, “how” is generally not a good word to begin a sentence with.
3 conceptual errors:
1.The purpose of her piece this week is to represent Satan in the Garden of Eden, and how women can be seen as demonic. Small conceptual error here due to the word “piece” which indicates that the artist only has 1 piece in their gallery, but the artist has several pieces. This conceptual error provides for a small amount of unclarity about the artist’s gallery.
2. To do this, she was scratching through paper, then put the paper through the printing press which is the dry print. This sentence provides for a conceptual error in the sense that it is unclear. Even with the sentence prior, which provides information on the subject, the “scratching through paper” phrase is not very clear. This sentence/idea would have been clearer if Matt were to elaborate on what “scratching through paper” meant and what the exact process consisted of/what it was used for.
3. In conclusion, I don’t think her point got across to me but I believe other people had understood the point she was getting across, how the female anatomy is represented as demonic. This sentence is very wordy and contains small issues in word choice and grammar.
3 positive conceptual sentences/phrases:
- Rhiannon is in her second year as an MFA student, but when she was just 17 she started formal artist training as an undergraduate at Otis. This sentence made the list for the simple fact that it is concise, clear and very informational.
2. She states that the “anatomy books that originally perpetuated the misinformation dispelled by Chalker relied on illustrations that were printed using wood engraving; such as, the line quality created by this method becomes one of authority, of an invisible author with an alleged neutral hand.” This sentence made the list because I believe that Matt did an excellent job incorporating a quote by the artist into his blog– the embedding of the quote is good.
3. I think that with her interesting, weird work Rhiannon attracted a lot of viewers, which is what she was trying to do. Although this sentence contained grammatical errors, it made this list because I believe that regardless of the errors, Matt did a good job in attributing adjectives to the artist’s work– very descriptive.
Overall, Matt had great ideas and represented the artist’s work in an excellent manner. Through the use of quotes and adjectives, I could picture the ideology of this particular artist and even what her work was like. However, Matt is lacking slightly in the grammatical area of punctuation. Specifically, Matt’s use of commas is sometimes missing, and other times unnecessary. Besides the comma usage issue, Matt is a very good writer and did an excellent job on his blog.
Also part of this assignment, professor Zucman requested that we also edit one of our own “artist conversation” blogs.
Here is the link the my week #7 artist conversation that I will be editing. http://markrobertfloresjr.com/2015/10/12/week-7-artist-conversation-angela-drew/
The same criteria as above will be used for this edit.
I don’t mean to be vain at all, but it is difficult to find many blatant errors within my own work. I think this happens because within my grammatical understanding, my work seems to be correct. With this said, some of the corrections that I suggest might not be very strong.
3 technical errors:
- The actual material that goes into creating these pieces is all clay and ceramic material. In this particular sentence, I believe that a comma after the word “pieces” would be useful.
2. In order to create all 7 of the pieces in this installment, it took Angela around 2 and a half to 3 months. This sentence could use a comma after the phrase “2 and half.”
3. After graduating this year, she does not plan on obtaining a masters degree. This sentence contains a grammatical error within the word “masters’ because an apostrophe was not used when needed– master’s.
3 conceptual errors:
- Angela is a proud follow and believer of the Christian religion and her art pieces reflect that aspect of her life. This sentence contains an error through the word “follow” which should have been “follower.” This error produced an unclear sentence.
2. Overall, I really enjoyed Angela’s gallery and more than anything that her meaning behind her artwork was a meaningful one. This sentence is a bit wordy and can be made more clear/concise. Furthermore, the inclusion of a comma after the word “anything” would be useful.
3. In order to create all 7 of the pieces in this installment, it took Angela around 2 and a half to 3 months. This sentence made this list because I believe that it is more formal to spell out numbers, rather than using the actual number keys.
3 positive conceptual sentences/phrases:
- Originally being from San Diego, but having lived in Washington State for 9 years, Angela has a good understanding of the diversity in the world. I really like the flow of this sentence and the message that is delivers. It is overall a great sentence, however next time I would spell out the number 9.
2. When asked what the lights inside of her pieces meant, she responded stating that they were the “light of God.” I really like this sentence because of how well I embedded a quote by the artist into the sentence.
3. Furthermore, Angela really enjoys to listen to religious Christian music while she creates her artworks. This sentence made this list because it is very simple and concise, while providing useful information about the artist.
Overall, I am pleased after going back and reading my own blog post. I believe that the majority of my blog is accurate in terms of grammar, flow and descriptiveness. I did find one typo which tells me that I should proofread my blogs before I post them.
Here is a saved picture from my Snapchat story of my dinner.